I was asking someone that I was interviewing the other day, what is it that gets him up in the morning. He currently does not have a job, and is looking, so what motivates him? What drives him to get out of bed? His answer was his passions. My answer for my life would be my commitments. Commitments to my role as a husband, commitments to my job, but not commitments to my self, or to my passions. I get up when I have to go to work, I get up when I have tasks to do that day, but when I have days off to myself, where I don’t have to work, and Brenna is away at school, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve lost touch with my passions, and my drive to do what makes me happy, what makes me fulfilled.

Brenna and I have been struggling to find our identity as a couple, and as individuals here in Vancouver. It was the best move we could have made, but it is also shaking some of our core foundations. It has brought us together, as we both are questioning big, tough, life questions. It’s not about us as a couple, we are strong, but about fundamentals of life, faith, and directions. In so many ways we are feeling like we are back in high school once again, trying to figure out who we are, where are we, and where are we going. It is the cyclical approach to life that says you never stop learning about who you are.

In the beginning scenes of the first episode of Glee, there is a close-up shot of the High School’s awards, and plaques. One of them is of the former teacher in charge of the Glee Club who had passed away. Under her picture is a quote that says “By its very definition, Glee is about opening yourself up to joy.” I need to find that Glee again.

So, here are the challenges I am thinking of as I look to this new idea of a future career.

No one is handed a rock star status. They have to earn it, and grow from there. Sometimes the status comes quickly, but more often than not, it is something that is gained, not given. So…as a future keynote speaker, I have to earn my way into the hearts and more importantly minds and datebooks of those who are looking for speakers as someone who has something to say that can line up with there purpose. I need to be on the circuit.

I have to have something to say…which I think I have things to say, but right now I do not currently have a platform that I am selling. If you give me a topic or a vision, I can create something to fit that, but often organizations want to be able so see what you’ve got before they give you something more.

I need to talk to others more. I can talk to anyone about coffee these days, and can give them lots to think about, and yet, I do not think enough myself about the other issues, the bigger picture in life, the other concerns that people face other than which blend or roast will suit them better. I have lost my curiousity about people, and I need to get it back. The better keynote speakers are the ones who know who they are talking to.

Which brings me to my next point, I need to figure out who my audience will be. Now I know that I will not have a lot of choice in the specific audiences I will speak in front of, but knowing my content, my heart, I can help decide which direction I want to make myself target-able to. Do I really want to be a youth speaker? Maybe…but not entirely. Do I want to speak to mass populations? Probably not…Do I want to be an evangelist? Preach to the poor? Preach to the choir? Preach to hear my own voice? Who will listen to what I have to say? Do I want to go completely secular, and preach on business or management styles, and how to lead people in today’s world? Do I take the skills I have gotten from Starbucks, add in my own experiences, and the stories I have heard from those around me, and those I will become more curious about, and turn them into a seminar format that can be publicated, replicated, duplicated, and sent out to the masses in the business world?

Do I have it in me? Do I have the “mojo” people look for in a speaker? Do I even have anything of value to say?

Is this really what I want to do?

Somehow I don’t feel the hope in those statements. It almost feels like the participation ribbons they give out at school during sports days.  It’s a “why bother” feeling I get when I read statements like that. Perhaps I am feeling left out because I don’t have troubles at home. I haven’t had any losses in my life lately except for my keys. I haven’t failed any tests lately.

Does the Easter message only bear relevance to those grieving? If I am not feeling overly unhopeful, do I really need to listen? Am I Gen-Xing so much that I just don’t care? Or is it that the pastors’ struggle to preach relevance is taking away from their goal to preach the Gospel?

Since leaving professional ministry three years ago, I have a lot of opinions on how we should run the church, whether I am right or not. It has been a very different view of church since being a faceless parishioner really for the first time in my life both as an individual person, and as a married couple. I don’t know if I am looking for relevance. Again, maybe it is because I know the story already. I almost feel indifferent to it.

I know the relevance that the salvation story has in my life. I do. I don’t know why I feel so flat about it. I don’t know why I feel almost angry when I hear of churches trying great ideas to “keep it fresh.” This year a church in Winnipeg did a play that was Startrek themed, travelling in the USS Easterprise… The church we’ve been attending had a re-enactment drama with full sets, including Golgatha (sadly, we were unable to attend). I’ve seen churches have dramatic readings, showings of the move “The Passion of the Christ” or similar Christian movies depicting the crucification. The Globe and Mail highlighted several churches and congregations celebrating Easter both locally and around the world.

I wonder, sometimes, what would happen if a pastor didn’t pull out all the stops on Easter Sunday. What if he simply told us to come back next week if we really wanted to know? What if instead of welcoming us to the service, she kicked us out and made us serve? What if, instead of simply remembering, we were called to action?

The last supper was a meal which we have turned into an appetizer for Brunch. (Notice where the capitals are put to emphasize our place of importance…just try to get a table at Ricky’s on a Sunday after church) Yes, we do this [communion] in remembrance of Him, but should we not also eat and drink to be nourished physically? Instead we take off and eat turkey and ham and chicken and chocolate on Easter Sunday to the point of being sick.

The quote from this article that I keep coming back to is that “Jesus is alive and we can have hope.”

What does that mean? I mean, I know what it means, but what does that mean? Some people have hope because Elvis is alive. Jim Morrison came through my Drive-Thru just yesterday. Why should I care when I can put on my blue suede shoes and break on through to the other side? Great! I’m glad that Jesus is alive, but why does that give us hope? How does that change my life if I am just a good person, living a decent life, without many challenges?

What bothers isn’t trying to make the story relevant, but the failure to challenge those who show up with the question of “So what?”
I am not too sure where I am going with these thoughts anymore (assuming I originally did). Let me then end with a true story of something I saw when Brenna and I were on vacation recently.

We were out having dinner, and at the table beside us there was a family of four; a mom and a dad, and two girls. When they got their food the dad stood up and walked over to the girls’ plates and cut up their chicken for them into bite size pieces. They thanked him, and the family enjoyed their meal together.

The girls looked to be about fourteen and sixteen.

Tonight as we tucked into bed, Brenna and I were discussing our finances, and recalled a conversation with a bank employee who couldn’t believe we lived off of what we brought in. To him we were squeaking by. Unlike the slogan, to him we were not richer than we think.

I went out for lunch today with a friend and again, money was a big part of our conversations, and we talked in length about budgets, savings, the idea of paying yourself first and blowing the rest, and how much money could be saved even if we put $25 a week into a bank account. If I started today, with the right savings account, I could retire as a millionaire (but would that mean much in 40 years time?)

With the provincial elections just around the corner, Canadians and Albertans alike seem to be more interested in the run for the White House than in the run for our own leadership. My friend Dan reminded me that the elections are happening, and is hoping to see some change. Dan wants the leaders of this province to tackle issues of poverty, and I agree with his challenge, but which perspective should they take? Money comes and goes, and economies go up and down, and the poor will always be with us. Maybe our perspectives have been wrong for too long on what it means to be poor, what it means to be rich.

Perhaps our leaders are not flashy enough for us to notice, perhaps we are too concerned about our own poverties to care. If Dan is right in saying that Ed Stelmach’s chances of staying in power are fairly solid, then my little faith in politics will be unchanged, much like the poverty issue.

I suppose my response is that the more I read, the more I actually do write. The more I read the more I am inspired to write myself. I have several authors who I read that really do inspire me. They are the type of writers who somehow say what I am feeling in words that I didn’t know how to write myself. Other times I will read them and realize I have feelings towards things that I didn’t even realize I have.

The fact remains though that although I have been feeling very inspired lately, I still am not disciplined enough to do enough about it. I get distracted by the littlest of excuses, and will often seek out distractions.

It is not for lack of thoughts; for those I have many. Again, it comes down to discipline. I am beginning to think that it is a better time for me to go back to college, now that I am older, and hopefully more mature. I think I would take more out of it. I am no longer that fresh kid out of high school that knows everything. I am realizing how little I know. Perhaps I would walk away from school now with a better learned discipline than when I finished college at the ripe age of 21.

The other reason I suppose is fear. I enjoy writing, bust often ask myself why I write. Is it because I have something to say? Is it so I can make money from it? Is it fortune and fame? I don’t think I am a mystic to any degree with some secret knowledge that no one else knows, but I do think that I have given many people direction before in their lives, and think that perhaps I could perhaps help out a few more through writing. I am also a romantic in a sense, and think that there is something powerful in not only the written word, but in the ink and paper, holding a book in your hand written word. Yes, I would love to see my name on the spine of a book, or on many different books, but I would also like to know that in a small way at least I helped people feel connected to something bigger than themselves in the way my favourite authors have made me feel. But fear holds me back from saying anything.

Why fear though? What is there to be scared of? Failure? Success? The need to stay successful if I succeed? (But what is success anyways?) What if I find out I really have nothing to say?

The two things then that seem to hold me back are fear and discipline. It sounds very similar to salvation…Created in the image of a creator God. I do want to be able to give back, in a way, and it is through writing that I have my creative output. It is from fear that I have whatever discipline I have, and the lack of discipline that causes me extra fear. It is this play between the two in which I work out my salvation, and perhaps in this way my salvation needs to work towards my writing. It is in this train of thought then that I dedicate my writing to the honour of God, and pray that whatever may come out of it, that Jesus is glorified, and will be able to use my small offering to bless the world around me.

Well I am not far off from 30, and I don’t want to wait two more years before I make that decision for structure, and to come shyly into a more public eye with my writing life. I do not want to be better than Dan, or to try to show him up that I can blog more than he can because I’m younger and better, but I do want to be more like Dan in the sense that he is a good guy, and someone who I have always looked to as a model.

From here on in though I will no longer refer to this as a “blog” as I detest this word. To me, it sounds fat and greasy. I will refer to it as a “web-log,” or as “my thoughts on e-paper.”

I am expecting this web-log to be something similar to a gym membership, which is what I believe is the reason most people create one for themselves. As my friend does with his, and my goal here is more for my benefit than for those around. I have a gym membership and have used it twice. I now have a web-log, and up till now, have used it once, although I created my account about a week before this post.

I decided to get a gym membership to better myself, to improve my current bodily fitness in order to better my health, and overall look. I decided to get my web-log in order to get my mind in better shape, to get the blood flowing, and hopefully produce thoughts in my head that are not dwelling on work, but perhaps thoughts more lined towards the body of work that I one day wish to publish. It may be a novel, it may be a self-help book on putting your thoughts on e-paper…It changes daily.

My only hope now is that I have this account, I can distract myself from the guilt of paying for the gym.